Comments on: What is PMDD?

By: admin

admin — Thu, 06 May 2010 15:27:01 +0000

Hi fruitbat,

I am sorry you are going through all of this, PMDD is a family disorder- it affects everyone.
It saddens me how many Women and their families go through this.

With that said, your wife flirting and discussing subjects you mentioned above have nothing to do with PMDD. Yes, she may have low self-esteem which stems a lot from living with PMDD for so long, however, flirting is not part of PMDD.

Surgery will not alleviate flirting is what I am trying to say, so if she is feeling or saying that all will be well after surgery- that is an incorrect statement. The two of you need to get your relationship to a place that you are both comfortable in order to see the changes after surgery.

I have said before that my hysterectomy alleviated my PMDD, but anything else beyond that is the same. Relationships get easier because you don’t have this monster within you, but crossing boundaries, etc… aren’t going to miraculously disappear.

If this is going on in the workplace it sounds as though a new job is in order, or at least something said to the higher ups. This type of behavior is not okay.

Again, this is not part of PMDD, but just a behavior by a Woman, your wife.

I hope that you can find a way to ‘fix’ your marriage and that you and your son won’t have to try and ‘deal’ with something once ‘it’ happens.

Please let us know if you need any more advice on PMDD, we are here to help.

By: fruitbat

fruitbat — Tue, 04 May 2010 03:49:15 +0000

Hello, all

My wife has PMDD and will soon have a HYST/OOVO to remove the horrible monster that is causing this, I hope.

I write this in tears. I can handle all of the moods and depression and hatred, But she has developed something else during the last few months. I sympathize with the previous post.

She started flirting HEAVY with her coworkers to the point that she is getting serious propositions. Until now she has had no real interest but the guys are getting persistent and a few better looking.
She is also starting to continue these conversations at home.

I have confronted her about this and said that encouraging the caressing and licking of her body parts has crossed a line, but she says it means nothing and they all do it. Unfortunately they all do.

She does not care how I feel and I am about 80% sure she is going to cheat on me before we can get through this.

I have put countless hours in research and have been verbally abused and threatened for months over this. I will not stand being made fool of or being cheated on. I feel like the last 12 years of my life have been taken and thrown away, and she acts like it does not matter.

I’m at my breaking point, and I fear for my son.

By: Douglas

Douglas — Sun, 02 May 2010 16:51:38 +0000

I believe that my wife suffers from pmdd. I can’t even begin to explain how complex our marriage problems are and the guilt that I carry for not understanding what we’ve actually been dealing with. Unfortunately, the worst case scenario has almost played out…

I have known for years that we have two marriages…one during pmdd that is devestating and the other is happy and productive (although not without “normal” marital issues).
Like the other posts here, I go from the best husband in the world to taking the wrath for 15 years everything i’ve ever done to wrong her…the anger she has towards me is devestating.

To complicate things, we’ve been dealing with a misdiagnosis for the last 8 years and she has been treated (mistakenly!!!) with bipolar disorder. I have carried the extra load (meals, dishes, laundry…kids) when she is overwhelmed and unable…which has been often. I have educated myself on bipolar and tried to manage our situation as such…until our most recent crisis ended with her in the hospital and a subsequent diagnosis of “NOT” bipolar, but anxiety disorder.

We have been through hell and back, barking up the wrong tree with heavy duty meds and psychotherapy to treat the phantom bipolar(lithium, etc). Ultimately our situation reached crisis (long over due) when my wife was taking up to 10mg of xanex per day over the last year and ultimately had an affair…you can imagine how devestating that has been after I have been the caretaker for the majority of our marriage. I was going to leave her…but we have two young children and I can’t bear the thought of putting them through that. Plus, I feel guilty that I pushed her into being a benzodiazopine addict and pushed her into seeking out another relationship because I emotionally disconnected…I couldn’t take hearing how bad of a husband i was anymore.

I’m not perfect. But I am a good person. Between the misdiagnosis and the PMDD…I, like Dave and others, forced myself to disconnect emotionally during PMDD. The result was that my wife grew angrier and more resentful towards me because she felt I was not validating her feelings and opionions. In a very heated discussion when she was especially angry she asked me, “do you think everything is my fault?”…my response I will regret for the rest of my life, but was truly how I felt, “Yes”. I know I am not perfect and haven’t handled things perfectly. My needs have been on the back burner for so long that I cannot help but feel some resentment…for not being appreciated, for not getting to be the one with needs, for her hating me two weeks a month while I take care of everything else in our life.

Can you believe we are still together? We are both getting help. We are trying everyday, 5 minutes at a time, to save our marriage…we love each other, but it hurts. Our kids are wonderful, in spite of us, and we have somehow managed to shelter them from the shit-storm that has been our marriage for the last year or two or eight.

We want so badly to fix things and get better…but, it’s that time of month again. She is so angry and resentful…and I guess, so am I. Two weeks of good hard work and loving relationship get blown away in a matter of days and we are back to square one.

I don’t know what to do, but somehow this is up to me to solve if our family is to survive. She won’t exercise and gets furious if i even mention that. We both know it would help immensely. She can never get enough sleep and it’s always my fault she doesn’t.

…and I need to get over the fact that 1) she had an affair and 2) My needs are an afterthought at best and she resents me half of the time.

Do we even have a chance? Hard to see it today. But it’s that time of month.

By: Vlad de Cuba

Vlad de Cuba — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 03:28:19 +0000

Hi Dave and RPP,

I’m so glad i went searching the web for guys who are going trough the same situation I’m goin through. It’s really really hard to have to live with someone who has pmdd.
Where I live it’s still a very unknown subject. Not even doctors talk about it. It’s like a taboo.It’s like they say: “men don’t talk.”
I realy hope you guys get my reply and that you would reply too. My native language is not english, so you’ll have to excuse my “errors” in grammar and vocabulary.
I’m not married but I’ve been with my girlfriend, with whom I have a daughter (6 yrs, for almost 14 years now.
Our relationship hasn’t been easy. But after our daughter was born we tried to live together, and that’s when I noticed that her sudden changes in behavior had e certain pattern. It wasn’t untill after I saw a commercial for Yaz like 3 years ago, that I realised that there was indeed something wrong with my partner. I went on the web to seek for more information about this PMDD. When I read the symptoms I concluded that my girlfriend had about 8 or 10 of the list that were shown. I decided one night to show my findings to her. After she read the first 5 she reacted:” close it, I don’t want to read no more. I’ve seen enough.”
Since then we’ve tried many ways to deal with this matter. Even depression pills,but things don’t always work out.Sometimes she recognizes the symptoms her self and tries very hard to control herself. on other days all hell would break loose. The worst part is when she picks on our daughter.
That hurts me the most. Sometimes we can’t avoid having a discussion infront of our 6 year old. And since she is now old enough to see and understand a certain amount of things, she immediatly tries to intervine.
Just yesterday we had a very nasty argument and it went fisical. When my daughter came in between to stop the argument she grabbed her hard by the arms. Since it was the first time she grabbed our daughter like that, I pushed her away from her child. Our daughter got very scared and ran out the bedroom screaming.After that my girlfriend locked herself up in her room. It was a very scary moment.
This is why i decided to search tonight for men who are going through the same challanges I do.
It’s very like what Dave says. When this PMDD flares up, you would have to count on losing the one you love for about 2 weeks.You’d rather be somewhere else then in the same room with her. After all these years, I’m really getting tired of it all. Maybe by writing to you guys I can get inspired again to try to go on. Who knows.

By: Michele

Michele — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 14:46:10 +0000

Hi Enrique,
Thanks for sharing your story. You are obviously a strong, caring, sensitive, intelligent man, and your wife is lucky to have you.
We PMDD sufferers are so touchy during the last week, and often during the last TWO weeks! And if you bring it to our attention at the time, watch out! If you can imagine not sleeping for days, then being locked in a room with 50 screaming children and forced to solve an algebra equation before the buzzer rings in 10 minutes or else you’ll lose your job and you’re starving because you haven’t eaten all day…that’s how it feels when you have PMDD! The best thing that you and your children can do is try to understand that, and not take it personally, which you are doing – so kudos to you!
However, having PMDD is no excuse for bad behavior, and your wife needs to change her lifestyle and coping mechanisms to minimize the negative effects her mood has on her relationship with you and the kids. If your wife doesn’t think she has PMDD, or if she doesn’t realize how badly her PMDD changes her mood during the bad weeks, then you need to discuss is with her during the good weeks, like you suggested. But be prepared for her not to believe you – it’s difficult for us PMDD sufferers to understand how differently we behave during the bad times, unless we write down our feelings in a journal and see how our emotions change with our cycle.
It is imperative that your wife take responsibility for her PMDD and quit blaming you on things that aren’t your fault. It’s a tough situation, however, because when you’re around a person with a mood disorder for long, you tend to get irritable too, and it takes a lot of composure not to stoop to their level and let mean behavior slip yourself. So when she is mad at you a week later for something you did or said while she was “PMDDing,” she really may have a legitimate gripe – even though it was her PMDD that caused you to snap, you should had been a bigger person and been nicer to her. A very tall order, I know!! But try resisting the urge to blame her and just apologize for your actions. It may just cause her to want to apologize for her actions, too, and open the door for productive dialogue.
Your wife can get better, but she needs to own up to her PMDD and get help. Antidepressants work best, but she also needs to live a healthy lifestyle (plenty of sleep and sunshine, exercise, eat right, avoid stress) and work on her thinking processes (yoga/meditation, reading spiritually books, counseling).
In the meantime you need some support, Enrique! Counseling might help you, and knowledge helps, too – keep researching PMDD and sharing on websites like this. Have Faith – PMDD is manageable, and with help your wife will become happier and therefore you and your family will, too. But also have Acceptance – realize that things will never be “perfect” in your marriage with her, and let go of any dreams of a “perfect” marriage – there ain’t no such thing even in the best of circumstances, buddy! And be thankful for the things and times that are good, and thankful that it’s not worse.
Hope that helps, Enrique – hang in there, and keep up the great work!

By: Michele

Michele — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 13:32:52 +0000

Hi Meg,
I’ve felt your despair. I’ve had PMDD since I was 21. It has gotten better since I’ve been on antidepressants. Zoloft works for awhile, but you will have to increase your dosage periodically to get the same effect as your body builds up tolerance. I’m on Effexor now, and it’s good, too. Find a good psychiatrist and keep experimenting until you find something that works. You are right about doctors – they are generally clueless, so keep researching PMDD yourself – this website is a good start!
I have also found lifestyle changes can help PMDD. Limit stressful activities during the last two weeks of your period – don’t travel, don’t start a major project, etc. And get extra sleep and plenty of sunlight. I have also found that jogging helps perk my brain up and keep me calmer. I’ve been taking fish oil tablets and a vitamin B complex and they seem to help as well. Like anyone with a chronic disease, you will benefit from making your body as healthy as possible.
Also, work on your mind. Try meditation or yoga. Read spiritually challenging books. Go to a counselor. And find supportive women to hand out with. Accept the lot you’ve been handed, and try to be the best person you can in spite of it. It’s frustrating and unfair to have to suffer with PMDD, but we all have our crosses to bear, and I promise you can find happiness and have a great life in spite of it.
Most of all remember – with or without PMDD, you are a fun, intelligent, beautiful woman who would make a fantastic partner for any man!! Don’t you forget it, and don’t let your fiance forget it. Your PMDD is small potatoes in the big scheme of a relationship, and if your fiance is too squeamish to deal with that, then how’s he going to deal with even bigger problems, like the loss of a job, or a child with autism, or erectile dysfunction, or his mom dying of cancer, etc. etc…you get my drift? You want a man who is strong and will love you even during difficult times – and you need to find out NOW if your fiance is this type of guy before you waste anymore time with him.
I hope this helps, Meg. It WILL get better. You go girl!!

By: Enchinique

Enchinique — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 22:53:42 +0000

In the last couple years, I’ve realized that my wife’s fights usually initiate at that time of month, right when she feels period symptoms setting in.

I didn’t realize it was PMDD. I thought maybe she was bi-polar. And on the TV drug ads, they either do a horrible job explaining it, or I didn’t know how to interpret it. But the differentiation is obvious. It’s not mild irration and additional nagging. Maybe if they pointed out the raw examples of what happens due to PMDD, it’d be clearer.

PMDD is like full blown war over something small, even if my wife mis-understands me and turns a word into a commentary on her appearance when I am not even on that wavelength, or she feels like I’m not listening because my mind is focused one way and she says something without saying my name first. Then it’s World War 3.

It’s so hard, because it easily ruins special days, events, or planning for future “us” time or dates. It can be so bad on the kids, and they always ask me if we are divorcing when these fights happen. And with a week totally destroyed out of most every month, it has significant impact on work efficiency.

Honestly, I’m very subdued. I’m tactful. But I stand up for myself. I’ll go from calm, discussing, raised voice, to yelling back, if the “discussion” totally excludes me. And once verbal attacks seep into the “discussion”, I realize there’s nothing to do but to step out of the fight and wait for things to settle down, hopefully to talk again later or to let it go by.

And of course, I’m at fault, and continue to be the one at fault. And that makes me at fault 25% of my waking days for items that usually do not deserve anything but a reminder, or “hey”, you didn’t hear me. It’s my fault she’s a monster during these PMDD episodes. Then it’s still worth pointing out it’s my fault for a week later, even though I may apologize originally after making a mistake. And it’s much much worse if I explain my position when I’m not the instigator of the fight and I didn’t make any mistakes or wrongdoings. That makes her always at fault and me having to always be right. Can’t I be wrong for the things I screw up, and just those, not everything else? And can’t simple silly things just be that, and not require fights? Not with PMDD.

Normal social interactions and rules just go out the window for your wife, and it’s such a balancing act to stand up for yourself, to protect the kids, and to try and protect and understand the feelings of the one you love.

PMDD is so evil. My wife isn’t. On normal days, she’s thoughtful, caring, sometimes stubborn, impatient and easily angered still, but she’s my best friend and the person I want to be with forever. Even when we fight, that is still true, but nothing hurts more than that person digging into you with verbal knives repeatedly for as much as a week, tossing out divorce threats, cheating threats, saying how much she hates you. And all because you don’t hear a comment while pre-disposed in something else, or because you make a mistake in cooking, or you forget to put something away. Things that she could reconcile via a small chastising remark, or even something that we could laugh about (like, “yeah, that was dumb of me to spill a drop the pickle on the floor, sorry, haha”), will become major relationship draining issues and make me feel like my wife’s worst enemy.

I’ve pointed it out with my wife before, but I’ve considered it PMS and “that time of the month”. Even so, she doesn’t take it seriously, or probably I’ve made the mistake of saying it during the bad week. I will have to bring this up during the good week. And though I hate the thought of it, I’m going to start calendaring the days like you others here, and be much more cautious and possibly less interactive (though completely tuned in and listening) during the bad week. Anything can be fuel for a fight, it’s like I have to be lonely for a week and just do what I can to support her, even if she doesn’t understand.

Thanks Dave, RPP for your posts from a guy’s angle.

For the women here having this, I’m sorry for what you go through, and for the unintentional pain that it inflicts on your loved ones. I do think it’s important to find ways to minimize its effects, and if you can be humble about the fights later on once things calm down, that’d go a long way to help. It’s painful to have stubbornness remain from my wife, still insisting and convinced what a devil I was to her during the bad week and how I should find some way to make it up.

Meg, when you say PMDD is ruining your life, I often feel the same way. And it’s odd/funny, as we’re on the opposite sites of the anger. Thank goodness I have a strong self-confidence and ability to forgive (not always forget). But I feel for you and wish you the best. I can imagine my wife feels the same way sometimes, and I hope I can help our situation somehow.

By: Meg

Meg — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 05:37:32 +0000

PMDD is ruining my life. I know my actions when all those hormones and sadness kick in is unacceptable. I have started Zoloft and my gyno put my on Seasonique (first week on it now) to see if that helps. I also have a med to help calm me down but all of this really scares me. I am driving my man crazy, and he has a very hard time handling my “episodes” right before my period. Its not me when the PMDD kicks in, and it leaves me and my fiance very lonely. I am starting to really get down about it, I am wondering if there are better treatment options. My life is crumbling around me, Its hard to keep positive when I am making everyone around me miserable. Like i dont already feel bad enough. I just dont want this to ruin my relationship. I cant let it. I need help! No doctors seem to realize how serious this is :(

By: Jessica

Jessica — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 02:52:51 +0000

I have not been diagnose with PMDD or talked to a doctor yet about it but I feel that I have it. I would say it started to get bad about 2 years ago when I was 18. I moved away from home to college and everything started from there. While living in the dorms I started to notice the week or so before my period I get very irritable and angry and fight with everybody around me. I feel so bad because I have pushed many people in life away because of it. I have also noticed that I get very tired during the time, it’s so bad that I can sleep for 10 hours a night and still be extremely tired throughout the day. I also have a problem with my appetite. I can eat and eat and never feel full and its so hard for me to maintain or lose any weight when this happens. Before the symptoms kick in, I’m fine with my appetite and sleeping schedule and am very happy. It all starts about a week before my period. I have not said anything to mom and really do not know how to bring it up. Since my parents still pay for my insurance I have to make sure its okay with my them that I go to the doctor. I just get so depressed and mad a every little thing during the week or so and it’s starting to wear on me.

By: admin

admin — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 19:16:40 +0000

Hi RPP,
Thank you so much for writing in, it takes a lot to write in to look for ways to help your relationship when your wife isn’t really ‘looking’ for help.
First, I want to say that I agree with you that husbands don’t need to be ‘a little more understanding’ if their wives are being abusive. The ONLY way I would say more understanding on either side would be that if it’s obvious one is having a rough week, back off a little, don’t start piddly fights- that goes for both husband AND wife though.

Next, what you said about the mean to you and nice to friends- totally norm for PMDD and I wish I could give you a reason why. Maybe it falls into that old saying, “we hurt the one’s we love the most.” I really don’t know or if we believe know matter what our husbands should/will forgive us but theres that chance a friend won’t?

Without talking to your wife I am going more on personal thoughts and how PMDD affects me and what I have learned from speaking with other Women. The more frustrated and confused I became with my own PMDD, the angrier I became towards others. Some Women cry and feel that whole ‘woes is me feeling,’ and some just get down-right mean and angry and feel that it’s just not fair that they have to live with it when others don’t.

I wouldn’t be able to say if it sounds like PMDD until I knew if it went along with her period schedule. Even if you didn’t know her schedule you could take a calendar and put x’s where she was agitated and smileys where she was nice and see if a trend sets in.

Something else I tell all husbands that live with Women that have PMDD, and I know this upsets some Women, however I do stand behind it- 100 percent!
You cannot allow someone to abuse you just like I would tell any Woman, do not stay and get abused! She must either learn to acknowledge that something is going on, there are healthier ways to live with PMDD, and start learning to work on your relationship.

It will take a while, believe me, I know…healing takes time on both sides. Living in 2 separate rooms, living 2 different lives isn’t living. Fortunately right now you don’t have children that are seeing this, but what happens if you decide to start a family? This is not what you want them growing up and living- there are healthier ways, I promise.

Again, without knowing more of her schedule I cannot say yes or no on the PMDD thing, but really it doesn’t matter if it’s PMDD or not, regardless something needs to be done so that you can both enjoy life.

Please continue posting here, talking with other Men in the forum that know what you are going through or you can email me privately at redefininglifewpmdd@gmail.com. I hope that you can get your wife to contact our group.

Sincerely,
Stef Prose, PMDD Advocate