Back on one medication

After too much hollering, feeling annoyed, picking at everything and just being a down right bitch, I have started back on one medication today, Topamax (my mood stabilizer).

At first I felt like I had let myself down, but as I sat and thought about it in my head I realized a couple of things:
*I can’t stand the person I am right now and I have fought too long and hard against this person

*If I need it, I need to take it…Practice what I preach :) … and I need it, LOL

*I have said before, I have been diagnosed with Cyclomythia too which is very rapid up and downs and very quickly. Basically, I don’t stay down long enough for it to seem as though I am overly depressed or up long enough to be manic, so it’s not bipolar. It is very exhausting though because of the quickness that can occur, and it’s not something that has to be going on all the time.

My PMDD makes it worse, but this is something outside of the PMDD. I had hoped that everything would just fall into the PMDD category, but I have finally started my period and am off all my meds and this one wk that I am always longing for is hell too. The cyclomythia is something that was diagnosed when I did all my work with the psychiatrist and doctor that I loved. It all made sense, but still I hoped. :)

Anyway, because this is outside of my PMDD there is a chance that I will still need meds even after the hysterectomy. The good thing is that after the hysterectomy, even if I still need the meds for the cyclomythia, I will be able to have the quality of life I am longing for, like the one I have during my good one week.

Basically, I jumped the gun which is something that I do when I get excited. I am so completely stoked about the thought of living PMDD-free, even though I will openly admit I am scared as hell too. The very idea of living a full month feeling the way I feel during my one week right now that I am allowed, is almost to hard to even believe.

So, with all this said, I have started back on the Topamax, but I am still in high spirits. I feel so incredibly great during my one week PMDD-free time, while on my meds, that I am okay re-starting them.

This will all be a new journey for me, the hysterectomy, balancing my medication out if necessary again, etc… I am thrilled to share it with all of you and hope that it will help more of you.

My hopes now are that because I am so medicine sensitive that this medication will kick in very quickly so that I will be able to enjoy my 1 wk time once my period is over. Also, that my children will quickly forget the crazed and sick woman that came to visit the past couple of weeks, and feel relieved that there ‘Mom’ is back.

For everyone out there, maybe this posting will help you realize that we all have different things that we have to figure out within ourselves and our own families. There is never any one answer and sometimes stumbling is the only way to figure it all out. I know I had to do that these past couple of weeks and especially today.

Well, I must try and get some rest and I will post more on this later. I am thinking about all of you and hope you are all able to enjoy this week.

Stef