Why I’m Here
I had a hysterectomy on February 5th, 2009. To be more specific, I had a laparoscopic assisted vaginal hysterectomy/ bilateral salpingo oophorectomy (BSO). Everything is gone. No ovaries or fallopian tubes. No cervix or uterus. Gone, gone, gone.
For me, pain from endometriosis and the symptoms of PMDD are also gone.
Choosing to have a hysterectomy and to lose my ovaries was not a choice I wanted to make. I didn’t like the choice. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my cycle, my periods, a piece of how I identified myself with other women, or my ability to have children. But, I also wasn’t willing to be disabled because of both conditions if I could do something to prevent that from happening.
I have a seven year old who was becoming used to having a mother who was almost always in pain, in bed with a heating pad frequently, often in bed due to fatigue, and when treatments for PMDD weren’t working, just plain scary. My relationship with my husband was not going well. Both conditions were interfering with my ability to work, attend grad school, parent, and be a wife. Frankly, both conditions interfered with almost everything I did and almost every kind of relationship I had. My moods were not to be trusted. I was unhappy, unable to think clearly, and moving into more and more severe mental symptoms every two weeks.
I knew what life with PMDD and endometriosis was like when treatments no longer worked. I wanted to take a chance on what felt, at the time, almost too good to be true. I wanted life without both.
I am just past the three month mark, adjusting to life without illness. It is wonderful, it isn’t what I expected, and it isn’t always easy. I hope to share the results of my choice with you and to answer any questions you may have about surgery, PMDD, endometriosis, hormone replacement therapy, and life after, as best I can. Whatever I share here will be specific to my experiences unless I cite something. In that case, I’ll provide a resource if possible.
Having PMDD and endometriosis changed me. Having a hysterectomy also changed me. Anyone dealing with PMDD, endo, or both or anyone trying to make the decision to have or not have surgery needs as much support and empathy the world can offer. I hope I can be a part of that support.
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Filed Under: PMDD
Comments (3)
Butttterfly
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:56 am
“Having a hysterectomy also changed me”
What do you mean? How did it change you?
I have ENDO and PMDD and I am at the end of my tether. I want to remove my ovaries, freeze my eggs and keep my uterus.
I would really like to know what you mean by the above comment. Is it because you have taken away the possibility of more children? Or is it physical symptoms of the Menopause? Is it psychological or physical? and what specifically?
take care,
M.
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Aimee Z.
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Jennifer, as I read this, I was moved and reminded. I too had a full hysterectomy (it’s almost been a year) due to PMDD. I had got to a very scary place mentally over a period of time and almost ended my life. I am alive today by the grace of God. It was not an easy decision, you are absolutely right on that, but the good far outweighs the bad on this one! Life is so much happier now. And I am so happy for you!
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Jenn Reply:
May 25th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Aimee – Thank you for your comment. I think I have been looking for you! I have wanted to know how the results of the surgery have played out long term and haven’t found anyone to speak to that until I read your comment. I’m so glad things are going well.
Hi M – Here is an answer to your question. Please feel free to ask more questions if you need to, especially if you’re looking for specifics about the surgery and healing after (the more physical stuff).
Q & A
How has having a hysterectomy changed you?
When I say it has changed me I mean it has changed me in the following ways:
1) I can’t have more children and I have to deal with mourning the loss of that ability. I am lucky enough to have one child, but the loss is still there. But, this is important – I can say that I was in no shape to have a second child given my physical and mental state. Taking care of the one I have was hard enough with endo & PMDD.
2) It gave me back my life, at least a much healthier life that is similar to the life I had before PMDD & endo. More energy, more willingness and ability to say yes to activities with friends and family, more time because I don’t need to sleep so much.
3) It gave me back a more guilt-free life. I no longer have to deal so much with feeling bad because I can’t do something or am mean to people I love.
4) It gave me the physical and mental space to think about what has happened to me and process what it has meant to lose and then gain health. I value that.
5) It left me feeling, at times, that I am no longer female – that I am not a part of the things I used to be a part of (periods, fertility, pregnancy). I have felt like a fake among other women my age having conversations about things that no longer happen for me. I have even used the word imposter about myself on my worst days. BUT – it has also forced me to think about what it means to have a female identity and further, who I am when these things are gone. I am finding that who I am is pretty amazing. It has left me valuing what I had more and it has made me value who I at my core, more.
6) It has placed me right back in that space I loathed before which is dealing with something that is invisible. If I don’t tell you I am missing all of these organs and abilities, or that I am still recovering mentally and physically from a hysterectomy, you won’t know. But I am still dealing with it. Just like endo and PMDD – very invisible illnesses at times.
7) It has made me even angrier than I was before that the medical and research community can’t offer better solutions than a hysterectomy and a handful of “maybe this will work, maybe it won’t” treatment options.
8) It has made me want to reach out to other women even more because I think that it is through reaching and telling our stories that we will pave the way for our daughters and granddaughters and who knows who else. And it is how we will know we aren’t alone.
8) It has changed me significantly in that I find I am no longer willing to live my life in fear (the fear that having a female body has brought with it – PMDD, endo, and more reasons related to being female). And other kinds of fear…having the illnesses, going through surgery, continuing to recover, worry about being able to work and parent and be a partner… my life just feels much, much more precious. I find myself drawn more to feeling free and less to feeling afraid. I am trying to find a different way to be in the world. I don’t know if I would have tried so hard if I hadn’t experienced so much difficulty via illness and surgery. So overall I think it has changed me for the better, but it isn’t perfect. Still, I made the best choice I could make for myself and I don’t regret it.
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