I hadn’t tried to kill myself since 1995. And, until last year, I’d been able to keep myself inaccessible when I felt the least bit depressed. From 1995 til last year, 14 years, I was single, lived alone and worked from home. I had the whole world fooled. EVERYONE believed I was the happiest, most upbeat, positive Polly Anna they knew. The truth, if I was not feeling like Polly Anna, I didn’t answer the phone or leave the house & I didn’t have to.

In 2009, after 8 months, I married a wonderful man who has full custody of his 14 year old son. My whole life changed and WOW, every trigger has been activated. Last year, I started to recognize the rage, depression, out of body experiences, and suicidal thoughts coincided with my cycle. Trying to hide it is so hard. Trying to suppress the rage makes me feel like I’m losing my mind. I tell myself, “this will pass, It always does.” When the thoughts of suicide come, I assure myself, “tomorrow you’ll feel better – hang in there.”

A couple of months ago, I knew I needed to seek help, but when I’m feeling good it just seems like a bad dream and going to the doctor seems like a waste of time.

Last night, my husband & I met with our pastor & his wife because I told my husband last week I didn’t know if I could do this marriage thing.

No, no one knows the craziness of driving into the woods. My husband keeps asking where I went. I have the same reply, “I drove & drove & drove. Then, I had to drive back. I was thinking.” We had a stupid disagreement, not even a fight. I threw a cup across the kitchen and left.

Like so many of you, I cried when I found this site. Based on the PMDD commercials on TV, I suspect PMDD is my challenge. Today, I decided to search the net for PMDD & suicide. It led me to this forum.

I’ll admit, I was hoping to find a quick fix. I’m posting my story in hopes that it may also serve others in knowing, “you’re not alone.” Also, we need to continue to encourage and support each other. When one of us is at the lowest of lows, another is having a good day.

I still plan to see a GYN. Honestly, I am very anti traditional meds. I haven’t been to a doctor in many, many years. I took birth control for about a year in 1982/83. It made me feel so crazy and angry, I haven’t been on BC since.

I am gluten free and take a holistic approach to health. However, if any of the mentioned meds might help, I am open. I’m 43 and have never had children. I’m hoping menopause comes soon with a cure. I don’t think surgery is for me, but if ‘it’ becomes worse I’ll definitely consider the discussion.

I will check back & note any progress I might make with any option I pursue. I have to do something.

Most reading this know about the mentally debilitating symptoms. I’ll also recap some of my physical symptoms for anyone who is scanning & hasn’t seen some of their physical symptoms:
I have awful headaches and occasional migraines. (no herbs for this – I take Excedrine migraine)
I’m very dehydrated which contributes to constipation. I find the herb cascara is very helpful at this time.
I wake in the night, wide awake. When I am not Pre-Menstrual, I sleep ALL night.
I eat like a psychotic pot smoking person.

This was very cathartic for me. I try so hard to keep up my “perfect Polly Anna” image.

Stef, thank you for sharing, supporting and creating a safe environment for the exchange of ideas.

Unfortunately, this is what it took to get my life back, but I’m extremely overjoyed w the results.

Good luck w your surgery and I definitely recommend u visit http://www.hystersisters.com often, they r the hysterectomy world in my opinion.

I just stumbled across this website. I was recently diagnosed with PMDD and put on YAZ. I had almost one whole month of feeling like I don’t want to kill myself, but it is trying to come back…like the tenacles from some nightmare…I feel it creeping up on me. No one in my family believes me. I am scared. I am a christian and don’t believe in suicide, yet find myself fantasizing about doing it. I have always suffered from depression. I have asperger syndrome. I have PCOS. I suffer from allergies and asthma and I have sleep apnea. I am always tired. I am always depressed. And for two weeks before each period, I live so close to the edge that I dont know whether I will be alive from moment to the next. The worst was when I started to cut my wrists a month ago and it felt so good hold the knife there and imagining the blood pumping out and then the world going silent. It was such a rush. I stopped because my boyfriend called. I am supposed to move up to PA to marry him in a few months and I am not sure I can do that…not sure if I should. I am not sure if I will live that long and I can’t explain that to him.

I often think everyone would be better off if I was dead. I feel worthless. If I am dead, then everyone can just go on with life and forget about me. I struggle every day trying to stay positive and sometimes I almost succeed, but then that light switch goes off and I am slammed back down into that hole again. I know what someone meant who said sometimes it just feels good to just be depressed. It feels good to just given into and let it take over. You get tired of fighting it. You get tired of pretending to be ok when you don’t feel ok.

I hate the sudden anger. I have bad allergies and now I have learned I can’t take steroids anymore no matter how bad they get. This last time they put me on them, I thought I was going out of my mind. I was hearing voices and exploding at my son (he is a teenager with asperger syndrome too)and I couldnt, just couldn’t control the feelings of rage. And the heart palpitations….sometimes I feel like my heart is flipping over and it misses beats. I get so pissed when I think about what the nurse practitioner said to me when I told her about it…she treated me like a hypochondriac. She said, “that is just anxiety,dear and it happens to all of us.” All of us??? I get them several times a week, sometimes more than twice a day and have felt like blacking out with them.

I know what you mean by the doctors not seeming to care or understand. They pretend they do, but they don’t. They treat us like we are just nuts…here, take a pill and be happy…oh, well, if you’re not, just keep it to yourself, because we all have our own problems and no one likes a whiner.

Well, what they don’t understand is we don’t like whining, but that is what people tend to do who are in pain and suffering. We moan, we groan, we cry, we whine, we beg and no one, no one it seems can hear us. I am tired of whining. I am tired of being in pain. I just want it to end even if I have to be the one who does it.

Has anyone tried taking high potency vitamin B6? It should be taken with Magnesium Chelate, also take a B complex as well as the B6 and 2000mg of Evening primrose oil.

Every morning in the middle of my breakfast i take my magnesium followed by the b6 and 1000mg of evening primrose. Again, during my lunch i will take another 1000mg of evening primrose. I am definately feeling the difference and recommend it if you haven’t tried it. I am an absolute nightmare every month, my boyfriend and i had an extremely close call this weekend, he had just about had enough and i can’t blame him, it was awful. Irrational, depressed, low self esteem, lack of confidence, suicidal intrusive thoughts….you know how it goes. I’m really trying hard though. Yoga, meditation and Reiki are brilliant.

Laura
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