Redefining Life: Life w/ PMDD

life post PMDD & endo

Five months ago I had my hysterectomy BSO, and if you’ve read previous posts, you know it has been a journey. I am happy to report that the lower back pain I was feeling left after two acupuncture treatments, one massage, some yoga, and more careful attention to how I use my back (I had been afraid endometriosis, which was one reason I had surgery, was causing the pain).

So, I continue to be pain free from endometriosis and free of PMDD. I continue to learn more about myself and how I choose to view this  journey involving illness and recovery. It is a strange world here, after PMDD. The desire to show up and listen to other women who are still living with it is so strong, but I’m also on the outside too, trying to figure out where I fit (thus the previous request for ideas about support/counseling).

Maybe it’s just me, but being without PMDD and endo pain has been surprising. Life has gotten SO MUCH easier. The PMDD is gone and so is the endo. But I have been changed by PMDD & endo  related monthly dealings with unpredictable mood and physical symptoms. I am still learning to trust that they are both gone. I continue to work on shedding old illness habits (do I really not feel well today or is it just more conveinet to say I dont feel good enough to go somewhere/do something?).

Honestly, it sort of feels like this – it feels like my body and my mind continue to hold the memory of being afraid of what’s coming next. I was once in a very bad realtionship with a sometimes abusive person. He used to grab my shoulder in a way that was agressive and for me, extremely frightening. For years and years after I left this relationship I would flinch if someone reached out to touch me on the shoulder. I feel like that. Like I’m flinching a lot.

In the middle of this there is peace, relief, and gratitude. These pieces grow stronger and stronger daily. I think that PMDD and my other health-related issues have been like chronic assaults. There are some scars. I’m working on it.

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